December 25th has come and gone. I'm happy and sad about it. I'm happy because the pressure of performance is over. I am sad because I had no time to really enjoy it. While Thanksgiving is truly my favorite holiday because it is the day to remember the things to be thankful for, and to appreciate, and shared with those closest to me. Christmas is MY holiday. It's when I get to share all that I create with others. I make cards, I bake cookies, I make my gifts and decorate the house. This is MY holiday. However, this year it was not MY holiday. I started making cards, I'm still working on them. Luckily for me the theme of the card gives me wiggle room in which to send. I have two more gifts to complete (knitting projects). I did not make cookies. I was still decorating my house at around 3:00 Christmas eve. And have you seen me here? Have had no chance to do any writing whatsoever. Then there is my husband, well I'm just hoping that he still loves me for the hell I've put him through in the last couple of weeks. Thank God for him.
But.. back to the story. So in the weeks leading up to this glorious holiday I had been feeling really resentful. My job was highjacking all of my time. I was unable to do all the things I love for this holiday. (No cookies for them this year) But as much as I felt this way I reall hesitated to say it out loud becuase truly I am happy as we all should be, those of us who are employed anyway, to have my job. I don't want to wish it away in some selfish, childish manner. And quiet as its kept I like my job. Of course I fantsize about doing other things, but my job has it's plus moments and I am contiuously on a learning curve. BUT... that being said I was feeling resentful... I had all kinds of plans early on and was looking forward to jumping right in. Instead I found myself at work late at night, sometimes until 11:00o'clock, often getting home too exhausted even to eat. What's not to be resentful about that?
But as I sit here now, still in my pjs in my bed. I realize that it's so much better to have a good excuse for not getting things done than my usual excuse of having "too many projects" "I haven't had a chance to get anything done. I've been working really late the last couple of weeks" And I still have a lot of work to do for "work". And eventhough I am on a vacation I am concerned about what will greet me as I open those glass doors on Monday morning. But as it stands today I am exhausted and have been for the last couple of weeks. I need to give my brain a rest.
And what did I really miss? OK so I didn't get to be as creative this Christmas. What of it? Everything has turned out ok, really. So my friends haven't received a Christmas card this year. What can I do about it? Will they admonish me, I think not. My husband and I managed to get to every party to which we were invited, with wine and gift in tow. That's unusual. We're usually too busy. And by the way, I think he still loves me. I managed to sing at church on Christmas morning even though I awoke at 4:00 that very morning unable to produce an audible word, much less chirp a note.
In breaking with our tradition of spending time at our extended family's home on Christmas day, we had our families over for a Christmas day fish fry, although I report that I was unaware of the true definition of a fish fry which typically includes more than one type of fish, we had only one. Even though there was only one type of fish, Catfish, it was tasty enough that others weren't missed. We talked loud and laughed as we are wont to do. We had special guests. My brother who was the happiest he's been or I have seen him in a long time. My aunts "play" daughter Psm - don't let her hear me say that - surprised us. She is spiritually quite powerful. My friend Linda's mom from El Paso Texas. She and my father have lots in common both having struggled through the civil rights movement years ago both tenacious enough to fight for change, which in their way both accomplished. Linda and I are living in ways that result from the benefits of the fruits of their struggles. Linda and I fancied ourselves taping their conversations and filming them reminiscing of the movements and the players and the outcomes, but it wasn't the right time, it seemed. It never really came up while we were there. They as we all were there to enjoy the community of family and the shared experience of the meaning of Christmas. So there were no cameras and no tape recorders. Perhaps a missed opportunity, but perhaps not. Alonzo even showed up for the celebration. Imagine that? I need to call him, actually, to make sure he got home with no incident. My husband's family was there as well. Their kids are so smart that they hooked up our Wii console which my husband and I bought each other for Christmas. Incidentally none of the adults could master the hook from beginning to end. Thanks Konstantinos for your precocious expertise. My husband and I intend to get a good workout before life once again gets too busy...
All being said I think a good time was had by all, food was good and it was good for all of us to be together.
I was/still am tired as hell. I'm in the bed now even, and its a quarter to noon. (I'm usually up on days off around 7:00 am) I'm also sick, but I knew that was coming at least two weeks ago, since I wasn't sleeping But I had to keep going, at least to get something done.
Its not all done, though. But I'm not worried or stressed about it. I have the time to relax and get them done quietly and without pressure.
Today, the day after the first day of Christmas,I am staying in the bed. I am writing here, watching Fools Gold, intermittent knitting and praising my husband because he's cleaning up and will probably feed me. Yummy leftovers...
I really have no business being resentful. I made it through. But more importantly all whom I love also made it through, no incident, just joy. And the best of all, Christmas will go on for another two weeks or so. Therein lies the real joy. I have at least a couple of more weeks to realize that there is no reason to resent anything.
Merry Christmas all!
